Solace
by rh-fntc
Summary: Helga has lost someone she truly loved. It's up to a certain someone to pull her back to the land of the living.
1. Loss

Summary: Helga loses someone she loves. She povides comfort for everyone but herself.

Disclaimer: I own nothing (regrettably).

He is dead.

I remember his mother called to tell me what happened, she said everything in a very hollow voice, I remember dropping the phone.

The funeral was beautiful. His friends were there and they said wonderful eulogies. Beautiful words that truly reflected the person that is Matthew. I sat beside his family. His mother was sobbing uncontrollably, his sister was weeping quietly. His father was silent, trying to keep his grief at bay. I stared at everyone, watching their reaction, at the death of an amazing person. I saw some girls from school crying, his male friends were all silent and brooding. His best friend was trying very hard not to cry. I walked to his side. He looked at me, I saw his eyes brimming with unshed tears, I took his hand and placed it in mine, then I told him, "Let your tears flow, and your heart grieve, for he was a man who never hesitated to let his emotions lead him to where he is supposed to be. To honor him you have to mourn for him and then start living again" At my words he broke down, he hugged me fiercely, as though I was the one thing that could save him. I held him and let him cry over the death of his blood brother.

After the burial everyone went to their house. I heard people talking about him. About his achievements but mostly about his kindness, how he was the epitome of a perfect son, brother, student, friend and boyfriend. It was hard hearing those people talk about him in past tense. I wanted some solitude so I went up to his room. There I found his mother. She was clutching his favorite shirt, wanting to imprint his scent to her memory. When she saw me, she hastily tried to pull herself together. She seemed embarrassed to be seen in such a state. I looked at her and truly saw the grief she had burdened herself. I felt that she needed comfort, I wanted to try and give it to her. I walked over and held my hand out to her. She took it tightly, for the second time I felt as though I was a lifeline. I led her to a chair. We sat there in complete silence for a while. I was staring into the emptiness, she was silently weeping. Then I broke the stillness, "Do you remember when we were eleven, how he would go insane every time summer starts? He dances goofily from here to the kitchen, where you would give us cookies and milk." I saw her smile sadly. "Do you remember when we were twelve, how he would try so very hard not to cry as you guys were dropping us off in camp? Then after ten minutes there, it was like he did not even remember why he was upset in the first place." I saw her smile fondly at the memory. Then as though she felt guilty for even feeling something other than grief she frown. I looked at her " I need to hear more. I want to know more about him. About things I never saw and never heard about him, and I think you can tell me all that I need to know." Then she started telling me her stories about him. For the rest of the night, she was herself again. I knew tomorrow she may go back to being a shell of a person , but tonight she is his mother, who loves him wholeheartedly. Then there was a knock. It was his dad, who told us that everyone was gone. His mother nodded and stood up. When she was by the door she looked back at me and said "Thank you." I nodded and asked if I could stay there for a while. She smiled and said yes. His father kept looking at me, then after a while he finally left.

It has been three months since I have been to their house. I heard from people around me that they have been having a tough time. I suppose that happens when someone you love dies. I decided to go to their house for a visit. The sun was blazing. It was a hot walk towards their house but I was determined to get there. Finally I got to the door. I stood there, sweating profusely, wondering if I should knock, I never had to before. Just as I was about to the do it the door swung open, It revealed his sister, Nicole. She looked terribly frail. Her eyes were red and puffy, I wanted to hug her right then and there, but I held back. Instead I revealed what I was carrying with me, her favorite ice cream. She forced a smile and stepped back to let me in.

"Mom's in the kitchen. Go say hi." with that she went up to her room. I did just as she said. When I went in his mom hugged me and told me they missed me. I nodded and said likewise. She looked tired, but there was hope in her eyes. I felt that it was because of me. The unspoken message was received loud and clear. I asked for some spoons and bowls and proceeded to Nicole's room. When I got there it was a mess. It was a bad sign for she has always been a neat freak. She was staring out the window. "I saw you looking at the door earlier, that's why I opened it for you. You know, like I always did when he…um." she couldn't even say his name. Tears were already running down her cheeks. I put the ice cream down and went to her. "Say his name Nic." "I can't. It's so hard! Every time I think I can I just can't do it." her grief evident in her voice. "Matthew" I said. "Your brother is Matthew. And he is dead." She turned towards me sharply, her eyes narrowing with disapproval. "Why are you here Helga?" "I'm here to see you Nic, I knew you would be like this, you can't accept that he really is dead." "Stop saying that! It's as if he meant nothing to you! You didn't love him did you? That's why it's so easy for you to say that he is DEAD! How can you be like this? I never even saw you cry at his funeral!" I can sense that she is just starting her tirade so I let her continue. "I hate you! Here you are standing here telling me my brother is dead. Don't you think I know that! I feel it inside me…this huge emptiness, I loved my brother and now he is gone, I don't know what to do? I miss him. I miss Matthew! Why did he have to die!" she was barely standing and was sobbing uncontrollably. I knew then that it was okay. I slid down the floor next to her. Wiped her tears with my hand and enveloped her in my arms. She continued crying for a while longer, her shoulders shaking with sheer anguish. I just held her. The sun was down, the house was cooling down. Nicole and I were still on the floor. She hasn't stopped crying. I realize why it's so hard for her. She's only fourteen, she worshipped her brother. Her brother adored her and would never want to see her like this. "It's okay to miss Matt. It's okay to feel sad, mad and out of control. Your brother loves you, so very much. He'd hate to see you like this, but he'd understand. When it comes to you he always seem to." I saw her smile slightly. "But know that he's never gone, he is always inside you, the emptiness you have is not really empty, it's just him trying to worm his way out, be recognized, you know how he is." she was smiling more. "But most of all he will never be gone, he'll be in your head, telling you that you're not doing the right thing, he'll be in your heart telling you to follow his guidance. Like he always has. He is so much like you. When I see you, I see him too. He lives in you. So he is always there, for you and for me." she hugged me tightly, once again the lifeline. Then we both stood up. Nicole looked around her room and said "Yuck! I suppose this is him trying to get out, right." I smiled, she started laughing, then she stopped and asked "Is it too soon?" "To laugh? Never. Besides, this is so like him." I gestured around me. With a final laugh she started picking up her clothes on the floor. It was as though she was picking up the pieces of her life as well.  
For the weeks that followed I kept coming to their house. Nicole and I would go for walk at eight in the evening. Like Matt and I used to. She told me that life at home was still a little off, but her mom was doing better than her dad. She often caught her mom smiling wistfully, thinking of Matthew no doubt. Nicole thanked me for it. As for her, she was getting as close to normal as she could. Her cheeks are looking rosier and her eyes were not so red and puffy anymore. She tells me that some nights she would wake up and cry , but it was as though she was also being comforted, afterwards. She thanked me for it. I shake my head at her thanks. I knew I had something else to do.

It was nine in the evening, Nicole had homework so she couldn't go for a walk with me. I decided to go there anyway. I knew it was late but I needed to go. Once again I found myself at the door. I was about to knock, when it opened and revealed his mother. She smiled and let me in. She asked me how I was I said I was okay. I asked her how she was and she smiled and hugged me. I could tell she wanted to thank me for Nicole. I just muttered an incoherent welcome. When she released me from her embrace, I asked her where his father was. A shadow flickered in her eye, her smile disappeared. "He's in his study." I told her I was going to see him she told me it wasn't such a good idea. "I have to try." she smiled sadly and let me go my way.  
I knocked on the door. No one answered. I let myself in. He was sitting in his chair, behind a great table. He seemed so unreachable. He looked up and nodded at my direction. "Hello Mr. James. How are you doing?" "I'm doing okay Helga. What can I do for you?" he nodded at the chair in front of him. I took a seat. I was nervous. This wasn't his mother who always welcomed me since his death, it wasn't Nicole who cried on my shoulder. This was a man who wouldn't let anyone see his weakness. But I had to try. "Look Helga, you don't have to try to fix me, like you did my wife and daughter. I can deal with my own grief." he looked at me straight in the eye. "I'm not here to fix anyone sir, I merely reminded his mother and sister of things they already knew." he winced at my pronoun. "Mr. James, I know that the pain you are feeling will never go away, I just want to try and do what I can to ease it." He looked at me understandingly, "and what about your pain Helga? Will that ever go away?" "No sir, I don't think it will. But doing this, being with his family certainly lessens the ache." he shook his head slightly, smiled faintly, "Heck of a girl Matt chose! He loved you so much. Okay, Helga. I'll let you try." he cleared his table of everything and then looked at me expectantly. I looked at him, it was as though he was trying to placate me and my attempts. So I did as he asked. I tried. "He was working on this since your last birthday, he told me that every year he has to compete with what he did the year before. Since it's going to be your fiftieth he decided to do something that won't be bought at any gift shop." From my back pack I brought out a thick leather book. I laid it on the table. "He compiled your lives as a family. He was able to finish until winter of this year. He managed to get pictures from all your friends in college and put it all there. I tried to finish the rest. It's all there Mr. James." with that I got up and left.

I didn't hear from them for a week. I decided to stay away as well. I felt as though I did my part so it was their turn now. Then his mother called. They wanted me to come over for dinner. I accepted.

I was walking towards the door when it opened, it revealed all three of them. They welcomed me with warm smiles and hugs. I felt as though the past six months hadn't happened. We ate dinner, conversation was very much alive, there was laughter on the table. I felt a sense of calm around me. When dessert was served and eaten we moved to the family room. Silence settled over us. Then his dad hugged me. He was crying, I never saw him cry before. Then all three of them were crying, they wanted to thank me for all that I gave them. His mom hugged me and told me I was a part of their family, I held them all together. Then Nicole took my hand and said she did not lose a brother, she gained a sister. Then his dad hugged me again and whispered "Thank you for giving me my son back." I nodded. That was when I knew I did what Matthew would have wanted me to do. But at the same time I felt more alone than ever before.

Note:

I came up with this story about two years ago. It's about how you move on from losing someone you loved so completely, to death. I thought it suits Helga's character. Although I knowwhat she did in this storyis a bit out of character. But she is seventeen in this story, and they moved away from Hillwood, thusMatthew.BTW, they moved to Los Angeles, when she was ten. So she has been there for seven years at Matt's death. In the next chapter it'll be a year later and it'll be in a third person point of view. So there, hope you read it, we'll obvious;y you did if you got to this part, and that you liked it. Next chapter will be in a day or two, no school rocks!!!!!!!


	2. Never found

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

NEVER FOUND

_A year later_

The phone rang, so I picked it up. It turned out to be Phoebe. I haven't really talked to her since last year. I remember how we used to call each other all the time when I first came to LA. As time passed the calls became less frequent, but we still talked to each other. Finally, we settled on calling each other at least once a month, which we did religiously, until last year. Lately she has been calling me all the time, I really can't talk to her the way I used to. I realize that everyone has been worried about me since Matthew died. I really have no idea why.

"Hey Phoebe. How's it going?" "It's okay I guess. Life of a senior in high school is very stressful. I mean can it get any harder? How are you doing with your applications ?" "Actually I already sent them out early this year. I already had enough credits to apply." "Is that so? Why don't you visit us here if you can ditch the rest of the year then?" she was becoming enthusiastic with the idea.

I felt someone grab my arm as I was walking down the hall. It was Matthew. He was grinning from ear to ear. "I missed you during break. Where were you?" I asked him. "I was with the guidance counselor, apparently I am way ahead of the set course for a sophomore, this year." "Thus, the grinning?" "Of course. So she suggested I can either lessen my load, or just skip senior year altogether. I can graduate next year or I can just march with our batch." "So what's your decision?" "I don't know yet. It all depends on you actually." I just looked at him with my eyebrows furrowed "Wait a minute, if you are way ahead, then so am I, after all we are together in most of our classes." "Exactly, I told her the same thing and she said that she would talk to you about it. But because we do have the same situation, maybe we can decide together." and he put his arms around my shoulders. "I don't know. But if we skip senior year then we're going to miss the fun part." I shook my head at his suggestion. "Well, maybe we can skip the studying and just drop in once in a while when there are special occasions." he was making his puppy dog face. I sighed and told him that I'd consider it.

I remember that we both planned on traveling to Europe. He even suggested that we go to Hillwood and visit my childhood friends. So despite his absence last year I still went through with our plan and now I really don't have to go to school at all. In fact I already got some responses from the universities that I applied to. I still can't believe that Phoebe was actually suggesting that I quit going to school. She must have talked to my parents, who still looked at me as if I was on the verge of doing something drastic. Then I heard Phoebe asking if I was still on the line. I merely told her that I would have to think about it and then said goodbye. I stretched out on my bed and thought of what I should do. Without Matthew, going through with his plans just didn't feel right at all. I heard my parents downstairs, so I got up and went down to the kitchen.  
I stopped by the door and saw them talking quietly, about me no doubt. Funny how much they've changed over the years. They seemed happier since we moved out here. Mom no longer drank her smoothies and Dad had stopped obsessing about work. All it took was my almost drowning when I was ten. I remember when we went to Malibu and spent the day at the beach. Both of them were so involved with their activities that they left me to my own devices. I ventured farther than I intended. Then I felt so tired, I was sinking. That was when I heard voices. It was Bob and Miriam and a lifeguard. It must have been an eye opening experience for them. It was because of my near death that they finally took notice of their younger daughter. They were better parents because of it. So as I stood by the door I can't help but think how worried they were about me. When they thought I wasn't looking they had concerned looks on their faces. They tried to monitor all my activities this past year. I guess the fact that I retained my usual schedule caused them more anxiety than relief. I have a feeling they called Phoebe and told her of my current situation.

"So Phoebe just called". I stated as I entered the kitchen. They both looked up guiltily. I felt myself smile. "It seems, she wants me to go to Hillwood and spend some time there." Dad came toward me and said "So are you going? I mean if you want you can go, after all you are done with school, little lady." "Yes, Helga if you want to, why not? I mean college won't be an easy feat so you could take this time to relax." my mom added. I looked from my dad to my mom. They sure have changed. Sending me to Hillwood wasn't a way of getting rid of me, I think that they desperately wanted me to get better, that sending me to Hillwood was their last attempt since they tried so hard to help me go on with life. I felt awful that they felt unable to get me there themselves. "I don't know. Well, I guess I could go. But where will I stay? How long will I stay?" I asked them. The two of them looked at each other. After a moment of silence my dad answered, "I suppose you could stay with Phoebe. Or if you want the old house is still in good shape. You insisted that we don't sell it before we left. I could give the people living there a month's notice if you want to stay there." I stayed silent for a while. Do I really want to be alone in that house? Sometimes there are so much thoughts going thru my head whenever I'm alone. That's the reason why I tried so hard to keep busy. Maybe staying with Phoebe is the better plan. I looked at my parents, both looking at me hopefully. I knew they wanted me to choose the former. "I guess I'll stay with Phoebe." They both looked relieved and were already planning my trip to Hillwood.

After dinner, when I was alone in my room I picked up the phone and dialed Phoebe's number. When she picked up she sounded out of breath. "I guess I'm going to Hillwood, Pheebes." On the other end of the line I heard her whoop in excitement. Once she calmed down, she was already planning to throw me a big homecoming party, her words not mine. I let her chatter on. Before saying goodbye I had one simple request. "Hey, Phoebe. Can you do one thing for me? Don't tell anyone about Matthew." I waited for her to ask me why. A few seconds passed when she murmured softly, "I promise I won't Helga." I thanked her and hang up. It was a sleepless night.

Note: Thanks to those who read this story. I took the liberty of placing Hillwood in New York, just for future references. In the next chapter you'll seesome of the old gang. And of course Arnold. Hope you had fun reading this story.


	3. Stranger

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Note: The Italics are flashbacks.

STRANGER

It was a full two weeks before I finally got on the plane to good ole Hillwood. I sat on the first class section, wondering if I am doing the right thing going back there. I stared out the window and thought of my parents as they were sending me off.

_My mom was tearing up. My dad was trying hard not to show any emotion in front of all the people. They both were fussing over me. Miriam was asking if I wanted something to eat before we boarded. Bob asked me for the nth time if I had my ticket. I merely smiled at them and told them I would miss them very much. They both smiled at me as well and wrapped me in a fierce embrace. It was as though they did not want me to go at all._

_"Passengers for flight 203, Los Angeles to Hillwood, are now boarding at gate 12." the overhead call blared. "I guess that's me." I hugged them once more._

_As I was picking my bags up, my dad touched my arm gently and said, "Helga, we're not sending you to Hillwood because we can't handle what you're going through. I want you to know that. Your mom and I just thought…" he trailed off as though he himself didn't know why he was letting me go halfway around the country._

_" I know that Dad. Don't worry about me so much okay? Why don't you guys go on vacation or something? I know Mom wants to go to Hawaii for the longest time. You guys have fun for a change. I'm sure I'll have fun at Hillwood."_

_My mom hugged me and whispered "I love you honey" to my ear. " I love you too Mom. Now hurry along, you're making me miss my flight." She just smiled._

_My dad stopped me once more and wrapped me in one of his more suffocating embrace. He whispered, "I love you little lady. Don't go messing up just because we're not there okay?" When he released me I smiled at him, told him I loved him too and promised I won't do anything he wouldn't approve of._

_When I was walking away, I looked back. I saw my mom bury her face in my dad's chest. She was sobbing pretty badly. My dad had tears in his eyes as well. It was as if they would never see me again. I suppose they did not expect my going to Hillwood would cause them more worry. But now that I really am going they realized they couldn't watch me like a hawk anymore. I would miss it too. _

I was snapped out of my reverie by the flight attendant. She was telling everyone to fasten their seatbelts as the plane readied for its descent. I held my breath at what could possibly waiting for me at Hillwood.

_Airport_

"Tell me again what I'm doing here at a wonderful Saturday afternoon?" Arnold asked his best friend Gerald.

"Well, for one thing you're here helping out a friend by keeping him company. While his girlfriend refuses to tell him why they were here." the two looked at Phoebe, who was constantly pacing and looking up the board which announced the flight arrivals. She was obviously not listening to the chatter of the two men.

"Flight 203, Los Angeles to Hillwood has landed." the intercom announced. Phoebe then rushed towards the gate where all the passengers were exiting. The two guys had to squeeze through a throng of people just to keep up with her. They arrived at the gate. Phoebe was up at the very front. The two couldn't get any further so they merely watched the young Asian stare at the gate anxiously. They saw her light up all of a sudden and was waving frantically at someone who just stepped out of the plane. They looked at each other questioningly. Both of them shrugged at each other and went back to looking at Phoebe. Only to find out that she was gone. Fifteen minutes passed and they were ready to conduct a search party when she appeared at their side and led them out of the terminal.

"What in heaven's name is going on Phoebe? First you drag us here, then you run out on us and finally you pull a disappearing act. For the last time what has been going on with you ?" an exasperated Gerald bursted out.

"Gerald's right. Not to gang up on you, Phoebe. But you have to admit that you've been acting a bit strange for the last two weeks." Arnold added.

She smiled up at the two and answered their question by motioning towards a blonde girl, she was wearing a pair of jeans and a blue tank top. She had her back turned against them. She was surrounded by two large suitcases and was looking at everything around her. Gerald and Arnold still looked puzzled. So Phoebe steered them towards the young woman.

"Guys this is why I've been preoccupied for the last two weeks." she stated quietly, the blonde whirled around and faced the two men. "Gerald, Arnold. I'd like you to meet my best friend." It was then everything clicked for the two. "Helga?" The two said in unison.

Helga smiled and looked at the them. She seemed uncertain whether she should hold out her hand for them to shake or give them hugs. Phoebe solved the problem by hugging her for the third time. "Yes Helga! Can you believe she's here? It took her seven years to finally visit us" Phoebe was grinning widely.

The two remained speechless, as they continued to stare at the young woman in front of them. Gerald was the first to regain his composure. "The years have been very good to you Pataki." he stated as he moved to hug her. Helga laughed at his statement and returned the gesture. Arnold remained unmoving until Phoebe caught her elbow onto his stomach. He got the wind knocked out of him and finally snapped out of whatever world he was in. "Hey, Helga. Long time no see, stranger." he smiled sheepishly. Helga merely smiled and accepted the hug that came with his greeting.

On the way to Phoebe's house Arnold and Gerald had a lot of questions for me. Phoebe answered them for me. I guess she sensed that I wasn't exactly myself. I was surprised to see Gerald and Arnold at the airport. I thought Phoebe would pick me up alone. Gerald didn't seem to have changed so much. He no longer had his tall hair. His build suggested he was still very much the sportsman, that he was when we were younger. His humor remained the same.

Arnold was a different story. He looked great actually. The years have been good to him as well, to quote Gerald. His football shaped head finally fits his body. He too seemed to be into sports. He seemed more confident and just happy with life in general. I understood how my nine year old self could love him. He grew up to be a good man. Just like Matthew.

_"So I'm thinking, after the game tonight we can finish wrapping the presents for the kids." Matthew suggested as we were walking towards his car. I just looked at him and rolled my eyes._

_"Wouldn't you be tired? After all, this is your big game for the season. As far as I know football is a rather painful game, particularly if you are the star quarter back." I looked up at him. He merely pinched my nose teasingly and rolled his eyes as well._

_"There are certain things in life that are more important than a football game. Those children need hope, and if my wrapping those presents can give them an inch of hope, I'd be willing to wrap, broken bones and all." he uttered in a solemn voice._

_I wrinkled my nose at him, "What are you pushing for sainthood, Matthew? Saint Matthew, hmm, it does have a ring to it." his green eyes was dancing with merriment at our familiar banter._

_"Saint Helga, no doesn't quite work as Saint Matthew." he continued to tease me by pinching my nose._

_I slapped his hand away, "If you like my nose so much why don't you just take it?" I asked him impatiently._

_He caught my hand and pulled me towards him. By then I was completely enveloped in his arms. "Only if I can have everything else." he whispered to my ear._

_I leaned back on his chest and smiled to myself. "You already have all of me." he stated softly._

_I turned so I can face him. I looked deep into his green eyes. The wind tousled his auburn hair to one side. I reached out and brushed it away. "As do you." was my reply._

_He smiled once more and held me tighter. "So wrapping. Tonight. No doubt about it."_

"Everyone would want to see you again Helga. No doubt about it." Arnold piped in. I gave him a smile and remained silent. I saw Phoebe giving me a look from the driver's seat for not participating in the conversation. I merely turned away, for the memory of Matthew was still fresh in my mind.

We arrived at Phoebe's house. It was already late in the afternoon. My hostess tells us that her parents were out of town for the weekend. I felt a certain relief for her parents have been behaving just like mine since Matthew's death. Whenever Phoebe called I could hear her mother asking about me, how I was doing and that they were worried about me.

As we entered the house I noticed how little changed. It was the same cozy home I knew seven years ago. Gerald and Arnold carried in my suitcases and were being directed by Phoebe to put it in the guest room. The phone rang almost immediately. Phoebe answered it and talked to the person in the other line quietly. I knew it was my dad the moment it rang. She then passed it to me. I gave her one of my knowing looks and talked to my dad.

"How was your flight, little lady?" was how he started the conversation. I spent the first fifteen minutes on the phone reassuring my dad that I was fine, that everything was fine. I heard my mom asking for the phone so I spent another ten reassuring her. Sometimes I wonder who I got my patience from. Probably from Matthew, who kept on telling me that patience is a virtue. When I finally got off the phone I saw all three of them staring at me. I merely shrugged at them, "Parents, what can you do?"

The three wanted to go out and grab a bite to eat. I told them I was tired and insisted that they go on anyway. Phoebe glared at me and grabbed my arm, steering us out of the earshot of the two guys.

"Helga, I am not leaving you alone while you are here. Do you understand?" she hissed at me.  
I looked at her and longed to wrench my arm and have a fit. Instead, I give her a forced smile and bit back the sharp retort that was on the edge of my tongue. Gerald came toward us and suggested that we just order in.

The tension was lessened when Arnold recommended that we have some pizza delivered and watch some old movies. I sighed and agreed to whatever they wanted. I looked out the window when they all started arguing over what to order.

"Hey, what kind of pizza did you want?" I heard Arnold ask me. When I turned he was beside me. I felt him watching me, as if trying to find out what's going on in my mind. I felt myself stiffen at his nearness. I moved slightly away from him and answered his question, "Pepperoni."

_"So I ordered our favorite pizza." Matthew grinned at me._

_"Pepperoni , I suppose." I grinned back._

_"You suppose correctly Miss Pataki. After all, that's what Friday nights are all about. Pizza. Movie. And my beautiful girlfriend at my side." he declared as he flopped down the couch beside me. He put his arms around my shoulder and pulled my close._

_"So I come in third, in all those things you mentioned," before he can protest I presented to him the movies I wanted to watch. I pulled the DVDs out of the bag. I had Legends of the Fall, While you were sleeping, Sleepless in Seattle and Pretty Woman. He looked at me in disbelief, his shoulders started shaking. I knew he was laughing so punched him lightly in the arm. He pretended to be hurt. I called him on it and he smiled at me. I knew then that he brought his own movies. One by one he brought them out. All of them were action movies. I shook my head at him. He nodded his head at me._

_It was a battle of the wits, which ended in a tickle fight. We ended up sprawled on the couch. Arms and legs on top of each other. Before anything else happened the doorbell rang. I disentangled myself from him and went to pay for the pizza._

_When I came back he already popped in one of his movies. Out of the kindness of my heart I let him have his way. I was absorbed in the movie, when I reached for a slice of the pizza, I felt another hand grabbing the one I already reached for. When I turned to look, I saw that there was just one slice left. I smiled sweetly at him. He returned the gesture._

_"Seeing as I let you get your way, it seems only fair that I get the last slice." I firmly stated my case._

_"No. You could have objected. I wouldn't have minded. So I get the last slice," he smiled at me._

_"No, I deserve this slice. I want this last piece." I pretended to pout. He pretended to think about it, and then shook his head. I let go of the pizza and huffed "Fine!"_

_Just as he was about to take a bite, he looked at me guiltily. I smiled at him, I knew I've won. He reluctantly gave me the pizza. I took it graciously and cut it in half. I gave the other half to him and he smiled his little boy smile._

"Yeah, I want just pepperoni." I answered Arnold. He looked at me again and seemed to be on the verge of asking me what was wrong, when Phoebe called him. He unwillingly left my side and went to her.

I headed for the bathroom and splashed some water on my face. I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered if this is what's going to happen to me here at Hillwood. I wonder if I would be haunted by his memories the entire time I was here. I gazed at my reflection and asked myself how I've become a stranger.

Note: Thanks for reading this story. Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for the feedback. Particularly to Blonde Cecile. It has been very helpful.


	4. Alone

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

ALONE

I sat on the bench. Observing everyone who passed me by. I sat there all alone, wondering if it was wise in refusing, quite adamantly, to go to school with Phoebe. She insisted quite stubbornly that I sit in with her classes. When she heard my refusal, we had a staring contest, which ended in her sighing dejectedly. After our discussion, she suggested that I meet her at a café where most of her class hang out. I looked at my watch and saw that I had an hour before I had to meet her.

I stood up and started walking. I had no particular destination in mind. I kept walking and I saw the changes that occurred during my absence. There seemed to be more people. Shops were everywhere. I entered one in particular. It was a music store.

I entered and heard a song playing. I stood still and really listened. It was _311's Amber_. I closed my eyes and in my mind I saw Matthew singing that song to my ear ever so softly whenever he felt romantic. I opened my eyes and mentally shook my head to clear my thoughts of Matthew.

I began browsing thru the store's collection. Amazing that they had such a collection. I lost myself in the world of classics, pop and rock. I felt a compulsive need to search for a particular CD, yet I didn't know which one. I felt someone staring at me, but I didn't care. I was still absorbed in my search. I heard someone ask me if I needed any help. I shook my head without looking up.

After awhile I got tired of looking, so I randomly picked out a couple of CDs. I marched towards the cashier and put down my selections. I looked at the man behind the counter. He looked about my age, he was wearing an all black outfit. He had the appearance of a musician. He was looking at me with such concentration, as if trying to find out if he knew me. I did the same to him. He did look familiar. I dismissed it and looked at him expectantly.

He started scanning my purchases , with the same stare. "Sorry for staring, you just seem very familiar." he spoke suddenly. I nodded and remained silent. "I'm Brian by the way."

"Nice to meet you Brian." I replied to be polite. He was looking at me expectantly. I stared right back at him.

"This is the part where you tell me your name." he gestured towards me. I shook my head and merely handed him my credit card. He looked at it intently. "Helga G. Pataki." he exclaimed quite loudly. By then I was becoming incredibly impatient. I glanced at the clock and saw that it already was four thirty. Half an hour later than the time that Phoebe told me to meet her. I looked at the guy named Brian again. He was smiling widely. Just as I was about to lose my patience, he cut off my train of thought. .

"You don't remember me do you?" he stated quite plainly.

"I'm sorry. Am I supposed to?" I asked him sharply.

"Hmm…I have two choices here. Either I can tell you who I am or I can withhold that information and leave you wondering who I am." This guy flatters himself, I thought to myself. I'm quite certain that I had enough to worry about, that a guy I met at the store would be the last thing in my mind.

Maybe he knew I could careless if I knew his name or not. "It's me Brainy. You know, the one who's always at the end of ole Betsy there." he pointed towards my right fist. The moment he said he was Brainy, I finally took a good look at him. He changed so much. Gone was the nerdy little boy. In its place was a brooding musician. It crossed my mind that he looked quite handsome, but it was a flitting thought.

"So what are you doing in Hillwood?" he asked me in the middle of my surveying.

"Oh, nothing. Catching up with old friends." I still couldn't believe it was him. "I have to go. It was nice seeing you again, Brian." I told him with sincerity. I took the CDs that I bought from him as well as my credit card and started heading for the door.

I stopped when he called out to me. He grinned at me and said "To you, Helga, it'll always be Brainy." I nodded in his direction and for the first time I smiled without having to force myself to.

Once I was out of the door I looked at my phone and noticed the number of calls I missed. There were ten so far. I took off in the direction of the café. I knew Phoebe would be furious when I got there. The phone was ringing when I finally got to the café. I didn't answer it. I looked at the sign of the cafe. It was called Paris. I took a deep breath and entered.

When I walked in I saw three people look up. I sighed as I saw the irritated look on Phoebe's face. Arnold waved in my direction. I smiled and sauntered towards their table. Gerald and Phoebe were sitting together, so I sat beside Arnold. I uttered a breathless "Hi".

"Where were you Helga? I've been calling you, but you weren't answering your phone." Phoebe reminds me of my mother sometimes.

"I was exploring the city. After all I haven't been here for seven years. I was in a music store for the most part." I answered her question.

"You've been to Touché?" Arnold joined our conversation. I nodded and he started looking through the bag that I put down beside him.

"Nosy much?" I was amused by his behavior.

"Oh, sorry. It's just that they have a great collection there. I wanted to see what you bought. Is it alright?" he was blushing as he asked me this. I nodded in permission. Just as I was about to tell them about my encounter with Brainy, someone interrupted us.

"Well, Hillwood's prodigal daughter returns. And I must say Gerald was exaggerating a tad too much when he said you looked fine, my dear." a voice declared.

All four of us looked up and I knew then it was none other than Rhonda. At her side were two other girls,a blonde and a redhead. Rhonda looked great to say the least, she had on the latest fashion and her posture confirms her status as the rich kid. Although I can't help but I noticed a softness in her eyes. Though she may have changed through the years, a part of her seems a compassionate enough. Nadine also looked great, she too seemed up to date with the fashion. I only hope she lost her passion for bugs, well maybe not entirely lose it, just have it under control.

Lila, was beautiful. I now know why Arnold was completely infatuated with her. Her beauty is complimented by the sweetness she seemed to possess. I saw her looking at Arnold with her brows furrowed.

"Welcome back Helga." was Lila's greeting. That was when two guys from another table looked in our direction. They stood up and walked towards us. I was speculating on who they could be when Arnold said their names, Harold and Stanley.Both were wearing a letterman jacket, from his build I knew he was a football player. I did not know a Stanley back in PS 118. I figured he might be someone who just came after I left. When he spoke I detected a slight accent, I knew then he used to be called Stinky. He was taller than anyone I've ever met. He was probably a basketball player. Both just smiled at me.

Everyone was talking, about how excited they were to see me. I couldn't exactly hear what they were saying. But Rhonda being Rhonda raised her voice and was heard, "How long are you here for, Pataki?"

"Indefinitely." Phoebe answered for me.

I looked at her and shook my head. "I don't know yet, Rhonda. " was the only answer I could muster.

"How ever long you may be here, I must give you a welcome back party. I insist." Rhonda informed me, I felt I had no choice in the matter. Everyone was contributing ideas on what music to play and what food to prepare. I wasn't really listening.

I excused myself and went to the restroom. I stayed inside a stall staring at the door for no apparent reason. When I felt I should go back I went to the sink to wash my hands. As I was wiping them, I saw Lila enter. She smiled at me.She was about to enter one of the stall whenshe turned and faced me.

"Helga. I know it's none of my business, but are you here so you can get together with Arnold?" she asked me directly.

I heard myself give a harsh and bitter laugh. I winced inwardly at the way I reacted. I shook my head in disbelief, that after all these years she would still think I'd be hung up on Arnold. Then I remembered that no one knew of Matthew except Phoebe.

"No Lila. I'm not here so I can try and capture Arnold's heart. I have other things on my mind, that a childhood crush is the last thing that'd drive me back here." with that I turned my back on her and walked away.

When I got back at the table the crowd had dispersed. I was relieved. Whenever I was around crowds I felt intensely alone. But then again I have been feeling that way ever since-, I mentally shook my head, once again to depart from the melancholic emotion that comes over me whenever I thought of Matthew.

_Friday Night_

Rhonda's party has been going on for hours. It was already eleven in the evening. The band she hired was great. The catered dishes were amazing. The people were mostly strangers to me. I did meet more of my old friends from PS 118.

Eugene, formerly known as "the jinx", is the actor of the group. He starred in the school's latest play, Grease. A musical, go figure. He can't seem to stop talking about his passion for theater. I had to excuse myself to get away from the constant chatter.

Sid was also there. When he saw me he walked right up and gave me a big hug. I felt it was a bit awkward. He told me how much he liked poetry. He also mentioned that he was in the school paper, that he hoped to become a journalist when he finishes school. I gave him a look that was meant to ask why he was telling me all this. He obviously got the message because he said, "It's just that I've always seen you writing in a notebook when we were in fourth grade. I kind of put two and two together and concluded that you were a writer in the making." If you only knew, I thought to myself. I haven't been able to write anything in the last year. As if my talent was dead. Yes, that best describes it.

Phoebe and Gerald joined us and they started talking. Once again I discreetly left the conversation and looked around. I found a door that seemed to lead away from the festivities. Behind the door looked like a balcony. I started for that direction. Along the way people greeted me, I merely smiled and ventured on.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I finally got out of there. The second breath I took was one that appreciated the evening air. I found comfort in the silence that surrounded me. I was reveling in the fact that I finally escaped the party that Rhonda threw for me, for the sake of throwing a party.

I heard the sound of the door opening. I stiffened at the thought that someone would dare disturb the peace I was looking for. I put up my usual defenses. I turned around and saw Brian. He gave me a tentative smile. I couldn't return the gesture.

"Hey. You're missing a great party in there." he said as he walked towards me. I turned back to the bright city lights. From the corner of my eye I could see him staring at me. I tried hard not to let it bother me.

"What can I do for you, Brian?" I broke the silence that settled over us after he was beside me.

"Nothing. You just looked lonely. Besides I have to tell you what has been going on in my life for the last seven years." he tried to joke. I couldn't laugh. It seemed that Brian knew me well enough, probably because of all the years he had followed me, that he did not say anymore.

Somehow I was comforted by the fact that Brian respected my wishes. It was the peaceful kind of quiet. We both just stared out the city of Hillwood. It didn't last long, though. I heard the opening of the door again. Brian and I turned towards the direction of the sound and saw Arnold standing by the door. He seemed to be debating whether he should come over.

Brian solved the dilemma for him.

"I'm going back in. This was nice, you know, just standing in complete silence. I'll see you back in there okay?" he smiled at me and touched my arm. He nodded in Arnold's direction as he walked back to the party.

I turned back to the view and was still in the not talking mood. I felt Arnold standing beside me. He wasn't talking either. We just stood there in silence, but it had none of the comfort that Brian provided. I did not exactly know why. But I felt a definite tension in the air. A tension that I didn't feel when we were together before.

I shivered slightly and knew I should have gone to the coat room before heading out here. Arnold obviously saw it for he took off his jacket and placed it around my shoulders. It was so reminiscent of what Matthew would have done that I felt my wall of defense lose a brick. It took a moment before I got my emotions under control, but I managed it.

So there we were, two people looking out at Hillwood. Neither one of us was talking. But one action on Arnold's behalf changed something in me. I didn't feel so alone anymore.

Note: I took the liberty of creating the names for the places that everyone went to. Sorry if they are kind of cheesy. I couldn't think of anything else. Anyway,I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter. Thanks for the feedback. Kudos to Blonde Cecile, in particular.


	5. Break

BREAK 

_I saw him._

_He had the saddest look on his face. I've never seen him so miserable in my life. He looked at me, as though he wanted to hold my hand in his. I reached out my hand. But I couldn't touch him._

_I saw a river appear out of nowhere. It separated me from him. I shouted his name, but the wind muffled my cry. I need to be with him. I looked down the waters and saw nothing but black. I looked back at him. He was just standing there._

_"I'm coming Matthew. Wait for me." I shouted once again. He didn't seem to hear me. He was shaking his head. He was so far away. But his eyes were so clear to me. It was a reflection of all the feelings I've had since he died._

_"Matthew I need you." I shouted once again. I could hear the desperation in my voice. I waited for him to say something back. I wanted to hear his voice. But he just kept shaking his head._

_He was turning away from me. I knew he was going to walk away. I looked at everything around me to see if I could do something to get to him. His figure was becoming smaller. In panic I jumped into the river. I felt the water lull me into sweet oblivion._

I woke up from the dream. I felt my heart pounding rapidly. This was the third time this week that I had that dream. I've been in Hillwood for the last two months. And in that period the dream has been haunting me. Every time I woke up I felt the intense desire to weep.

I looked at the clock beside the bed. It was only five in the morning. I sighed. I haven't had a decent sleep since I've been here. I decided to get up, since the pattern was I wake up and can't go back to sleep. I silently went down the stairs and walked into the Hyerdahls' study.

They had a wide variety of books. I started looking for any book that sparked my interest. I have read most of the classics, so I was branching out the non-fiction part of their collection. I finally settled on the book on the current president. My favorite seat was Mr. Hyerdahl's sofa. It had an ottoman where I can settle my feet. I found my comfortable position and started reading.

The sun was about to rise. I put down the book I was reading and decided to watch the sun come out. I heard Phoebe's mom moving in the kitchen and I saw the clock hanging on the wall. It was already seven in the morning. I noiselessly left the study and sneaked up to the guest room. Everyone was worried when they found out that I couldn't sleep the first week I was here. So I resolved not to worry them further by keeping the fact that I had the recurring dream.

I could hear Phoebe getting up in her room. Our relationship seemed so strained lately. I know she's trying hard to help me get through whatever it is I am going through. A part of me just doesn't want to be helped, I guess she feels I am more out of reach here than when I was in LA.

I sat on the bed and reached for my bag beside it. I rummaged through it. I found what I was looking for. A group picture on my sixteenth birthday. Everyone looked so happy then. Matthew and I were at the center of that happiness. He had his arm around my waist and I had my head on his shoulder. I can't seem to put down that particular photograph. I long for his arm to be around me again. I sighed and knew it was impossible.

A knock took me away from the sad train of thought. I knew it was Phoebe. "Come in." I murmured. She quietly entered. I saw her looking at me as if trying to find out if I was any better today. She sat beside me and asked what I was going to do that day. I shrugged and remained quiet.

"Helga, I'm really worried. You don't seem toenjoying yourstay here. When I asked you to come here I thought I could-." she broke off. I could tell she was hurt that I have kept everything I felt from her. I reached out and took her hand. I wanted to say something that would make her feel better. But if I lied I knew she would see right thru me.

"I'm sorry if what I am in this moment is not the way you want me to be, Phoebe. When I was back in LA I didn't give myself the time to think about Matthew. Since I came here I think about him all the time, somehow it helps me, being alone, not being as talkative as I used to be. I've been around everyone and said everything I had to say to the people who needed to hear it. Since coming here, I got the chance to exist again, not the way I used to be, but at least I can try . I think only I can help myself." I told her the truth.

"Pheebes, don't hold it against me if I purposely leave you out, in certain aspects of what I'm going through. It's hard enough being strong for Matthew's family, but I had to be strong for mine as well, I know I didn't let you know what I was going through, mainly because I know I won't have the strength to be strong in front of you too. I guess its my weakness, the need to be strong. I just have to deal, in my own pace. I'm sorry, but this is what I have to do." I looked at Phoebe and saw tears were about to fall. She hugged me tight and left the room, as if she didn't want me to see her cry, especially since I seemed incapable of shedding a tear myself.

I lay down the bed and looked up the ceiling. Wondering if I will ever go back to the way I was before. If I can ever live again. I miss Matthew. I turned to my side and closed my eyes.

_"Wake up sleepyhead." I felt his breath on my face. I reluctantly opened my eyes. I smiled at the sight that greeted me. Matthew was smiling mischievously. He rarely got the chance to wake me up. My father had the tendency not to trust any guy who's in my room. Not even Matthew._

_I closed my eyes again. He pinched my nose. I refused to budge. "Come on, Helga. It's your sixteenth birthday. I won't give you your present if you don't get up right this instant." I just smiled and ignored his warning. I knew he could never resist me and my pouting techniques._

_"Fine. Get some more beauty sleep. You'll need it. Tonight is your night to shine, my love." I involuntarily shivered as he whispered those words to my ear._

_I opened my eyes and he was getting up from my bed. I pulled his arm and he landed right where I wanted him to. "Where's my present?" He smiled at my childishness and pulled me into his arms._

_"I'm waiting." I murmured. I heard his choked laughter. He told me to close my eyes. I smiled to myself and leaned my back onto his chest. I could feel his breathing. "Open sesame." he whispered to my ear._

_  
He presented me with a ring box. I turned towards him and he was grinning. Anticipating my reaction. I took it from his hand, and opened it. It was a plastic ring, the exact replica of what he gave me when we were twelve. It was a sunflower ring. I lost the first one when we were at summer camp three years ago._

_I looked at Matt and he was smiling. "That's gift number one. Fifteen to go." I smiled at him and just shook my head at the wonder that is Matthew. I gave him sixteen gifts for his birthday two months ago. I grinned at him speculating on what the other fifteen would be like._

_"Can we just stay this way for awhile?" I asked him as we went back to our previous position. I felt him nod against my back.._

_"We should get up soon, your dad's going to hunt me down if he sees us like this." he murmured to my back. I unenthusiastically got up. He did the same._

_When I looked at him I realized something was amiss. Something was obviously bothering him. When I asked him if something was wrong. He shook his head and I let the subject drop. For now._

When I opened my eyes, I wished hard that I could see my eyes reflecting in Matthew's. I was disappointed when I didn't. I got up from the bed and started preparing for my daily routine.

It was already eleven when I left the house. I had with me my bag. It was full of food from Phoebe's mom, my phone and a notebook that remained empty of words that used to come so easily. In my pocket was the photograph I have been staring at since I started having that dream.

I spent most of the day at the park. I had the notebook and the picture in front of me. Desperately trying to write something. Anything. I heard people talking as they walked by. They were all full of life. I stared at the empty sheet of paper. I looked up again and saw a couple eating ice cream as they took a walk in the park. They were laughing and teasing each other. The guy was pinching his girlfriend's cheek. She playfully punched his arm. He pretended to be hurt and dropped on the ground. The girl joined him and the entire thing started all over again. I directed my gaze elsewhere.

Today seemed worse than any other day. The dream, then the conversation with Phoebe, another memory of Matthew and finally a couple who were as in love as Matthew and I were before he died. I closed the notebook and got off the bench. I looked at my phone and it showed the time, it was only two in the afternoon.

I started heading for the Paris. When I got there I sat on our usual seat. I took out my notebook and opened it. I reached for the photograph I had in my pocket and put it in front of me. A waitress approached me and asked me what I wanted. All I ordered was a black coffee. I returned to my previous preoccupation and kept staring at the notebook and the picture.

It seemed like such a long time when I finally managed to write down a word. I wrote Matthew's name. I stared at it. Then at the picture. Then back on what I wrote. I started writing. I wasn't exactly conscious of what I was doing. It seemed that Matthew's name triggered something in me.

I filled up the first page, then the next and the one after that. Words were rushing through my head and my hand wrote them down. I felt someone sit beside me, I automatically shut the notebook. It was Phoebe. She smiled at me, "So you're writing again?" I shrugged and asked where Gerald and Arnold were.

"They went to the restroom." as she said this she moved to the side of the table. They later joined us, complaining about school work and the pressures of senior year. Phoebe and Gerald were arguing about something. I wasn't really aware of what they were arguing about. All I knew was that I missed the banter that Matthew and I were so adept at doing. I sighed to myself.

I felt someone nudging me at my side. It was Arnold. He smiled at me when I turned towards him. He nodded towards the notebook I had my hands over.

"What are you writing?" he asked

I merely shrugged and forced a smile. I wasn't exactly ready to present to the world the fact that I could write again. Particularly since they didn't know I even had a problem. I felt Arnold staring at me again. Every time the four of us were out , there were moments when I feel that was all he does. This happens every time. It was kind of annoying when I first noticed it. But as the weeks rolled by I just got used to it. I try to catch him in the act but he would avert his gaze elsewhere. It was a stupid cat and mouse game we developed.

"So, Brian says hi by the way." he blurted out of nowhere. I gave him a look that asked where those words came from. He, himself, had a confused look on his face. As if he, too, was wondering why he even mentioned Brian in the conversation.

"I actually saw him yesterday." I was still looking at him as if he grew another head.

"Oh. So do you guys hang out a lot?" I raised my eyebrows at him as he looked at everything else but me.

"I go to the music store a lot, I guess. To pick out CDs, he does work there you know." he finally turned towards me again as he heard my answer. He seemed embarrassed at the turn of our conversation. I merely shook my head at him and wondered to myself what was going on in his head.

When I focused back my attention to the discussion that Gerald and Phoebe were having, I realized that Phoebe was gone. She went to the counter to order more drinks for us. I also realized that we were joined by the three beauty queens. That was what I call Rhonda, Nadine and Lila to keep up the pretense of being the same old Helga they used to know, if only for a little bit.

"What were you writing Helga?" Lila was looking at my notebook as she asked me this.

"Oh, nothing. Just a stupid notebook. Nothing of great importance." I hurriedly put the notebook away. Unfortunately, as I safely tucked the notebook in my bag, the photograph I was staring at earlier, slipped out of the pages. Just as I was about to grab it, someone else managed to take it before I could lay my hands on it.

"Well, finally. I've been asking you so many questions about LA. You wouldn't even share a smidge of information. Maybe this would enlighten us a bit." Rhonda stated as she turned the picture around.

I tried to control the inexplicable fury I was feeling in that instant. How dare she invade my life like this! That was my property. She had no right to look at it without a permission from me! I took a few calming breaths and in my mind tried to talk down the violent urge that was coming over me.

"Oh la la. Who is this gorgeous man beside you? And does he have his arms around you Helga dear? My my. Are all Californians this hunky? I got to get me one of those." I closed my eyes as I heard her gushing over my dead boyfriend.

The others at our table were leaning over her to look at the picture. I wanted to rip it out of their hands. But a part of me was just exhausted with having to deal with them at all. So I sat there quietly and let them have their fill. I will not succumb to temptation and lose all control that took me years to master.  
Until…

"Helga, are you and that boy dating? Or still dating? Because if you're not can I have his number" Rhonda smirked as she said this.

I longed to shout he's dead you witch. He's dead. I'll never see him again. He'll never tell me he loved me. I'll never feel his arms around me, his hand in mine. I'll never be able to tell him that I do love him more than anything else in this world.

I felt myself break. All the walls I put up just so I won't break down were collapsing around me. The agony of losing him has been building inside me. I just never let it out. At that moment I felt as if my strength was finally failing me. I wanted to cry and shout and yell and just break.

I wanted to blame Rhonda for this empty feeling that is inside me. I wanted to blame her for making me realize that no matter how much I try to hide it I'm as weak as the next person. But I couldn't. It wasn't her fault. She didn't know anything.

I despise feeling so weak. I despise the fact that Matthew left me alone to deal with his death. I loathe the fact that he left me. He left me here. All alone. I detest having to deal with him being gone, everyday of my life for the last two years. And for as long as lived, I suspect. I've been swimming in this sea of misery and no one is there to save me. For he is gone. It was as though he tookall of me with him.He left my soul empty and bare. Why did he have to die? I longed to cry out to the heavens. I just want him back. Is that too much to ask?

In that moment I didn't care what the people around me thought. I stood up and decided to leave. If I stayed any longer I knew I would lose my sanity. Without any hesitation I walked away. I felt all of them looking at me strangely. I didn't care. I was so numb inside that they could have thrown stones at me and I wouldn't have cared. All I wanted was solace. But the one person who could provide it was gone. So there's no point.

I walked away.

Note: Thanks to all who read this story. I appreciate it so very much. Those who took the time to review all my thanks. In the next chapter I changed the POV since I felt it would be better if it was seen through someone else's eyes. It would be after all, the chapter that followed the huge revelation on the mystery that was Helga. So you have been warned. I'm actually working on it now, so maybe on Saturday it'll be ready. Thanks again to those who took the time to read this.


	6. When You're ready

Disclaimer: I own nothing that is remotely connected to the cartoon Hey Arnold.

Note: To everyone who bothered to read my story thank you very much. I'm sorry if what I have written in the last couple of chapters were crap. I myself thought as much. This chapter was an effort to redeem myself. It's just that I lacked inspiration, particularly since I haven't been able to watch Hey Arnold since they rarely air it, if at all, anymore. Anyway, on with the story.

When You're Ready

He walked as though he was a man on a mission. In his hand he held an envelope. He was clutching it real hard as if afraid that the wind would blow it away. He kept walking, unaware of the cold air that comes with autumn nights.

His steps slowed as he reached his destination. He finally saw what he has been looking for. He took one step at a time, afraid that the vision before him would disappear into thin air. He couldn't understand the nagging feeling. He always came here and she would always be there. It has been like this for weeks.

When Helga walked out on them at the café, no one understood why. But when Phoebe came back from getting refreshments and heard what happened, she flew into such a rage, shouting at Rhonda. She kept repeating that no one understands. Gerald had to hold her back, to keep her from hitting Rhonda. Everyone around them were quiet. They had to take her home and try to clam her down. It was then they found out what was going on with Helga.

He went looking for her after making sure that Phoebe was alright. He searched all over town. When everything looked bleak, he started for his sanctuary, the pier. He found her there, staring out the waters. He was half-afraid that she was contemplating suicide. Her entire form suggested as much. But when he saw her face, it was devoid of any emotion. She has been relatively alive for the last month she has been in Hillwood, but in this instance it was as if she was nothing but a shell. He sat beside her, she didn't look at him. He touched her shoulder, but still she had no reaction. He wanted to say something, but found words were too difficult to speak. So he kept looking at her, concern written all over his face.

It may have been an hour or more when she finally stood up. He followed the suit. He wondered where she wanted to go. They ended up at Phoebe's house. Helga went in and once inside it was as though she was playing a part. She comforted the worried Phoebe and said all the right things. On how Rhonda didn't know so it wasn't her fault. She blamed no one for the hurt she was going through. He wished he could believe her. But he saw her at the pier. She was anything but alright.

Helga stopped associating with anyone. She's become more closed off than before. She would always be at the pier when he went there. He would sit beside her patiently, never demanding anything of her. He was afraid to push her further at the edge.

After a two weeks of silence he couldn't take it anymore. So he started talking about himself. How his parents came back after more than a decade of absence. How mad he got at them, but eventually got used to the idea that he had parents. They were at London, waiting for him to finish school and join them. He told her that he had no intention of going, not yet anyway. He told her about Lila. How he wanted to love her but found that he cannot. He refrained from telling her as to why. He revealed to her part of himself that no one ever knew, the vindictive, the jealous and the angry sides of him. He sort of glad that she didn't talk, for he felt that she didn't judge him.

He was content with being there for her like that. He tried to convince himself that he was helping. Until two nights ago.

He just walked Helga back to Phoebe's house. He was feeling restless and a tad frustrated with his inability to comfort Helga. He walked around town, not really sure why. It was ten in the evening when he finally decided to head home. He passed by Touché and saw Brian locking up. He chose to ignore him, he felt an incredible dislike for the guy, a feeling he couldn't understand at all. He kept walking as if he didn't see anyone. But Brian called out to him.

He reluctantly looked back. Brian jogged towards him. He resumed his pace and didn't mind if Brian couldn't keep up. He ignored him. He didn't want to talk to the guy. He was just about to tell him so, but Brian spoke up first.

"You're lucky you know." Brian uttered. He turned his attention towards this person he did not want to be around with, his eyebrows furrowed.

Brian paid no attention to his reaction. He was looking far ahead, as if he was somewhere else.

"When I heard about what happened to her, I went to the pier. I heard you talking to Phoebe, that she was drawn to the pier. I decided to try my luck at comforting her, since you said you were a failure at it." he was looking at Arnold intently.

"When I got there I saw her. I thought if you couldn't do it, then maybe you weren't supposed to be the one to be there for her. But when I sat down beside her she told me to please go." Brian kept looking at him as he said this, "That's why you're lucky. Because after all these years, she still prefers you over everybody else."

His grimaced at Brian's words. He thought to himself, if she did, she wouldn't be in this situation. He nodded when Brian mumbled a goodbye and took off towards another direction.

"She still prefers you over everybody else", the words kept repeating themselves inside his head. He remembered a time when she truly did.

They were out for the summer at that time. They would be fifth grade come fall. Helga just found out that they were moving. She took it pretty well. Instead of throwing a tantrum, she just left her house and went straight to his, at least that's what she told him when he opened the door for her. He invited her in and asked her what was wrong. He knew well enough that Helga wouldn't come to his house under normal circumstances.

She was quiet for awhile. And then she just started talking. About what she said at the FTI building was all true, that she was in love with him. He was overwhelmed by everything she said, but at the same time certain moments in his life were finally explained upon her confession.

After all the words were said she turned to leave. He reached out to her and gave her a hug. He was glad to know that someone loved him the way she did. He heard her sigh while she was in his arms. When they finally separated she looked at him with such intensity, "Arnold, promise me when you're ready…"

He was puzzled when she kissed him on the cheek and proceeded towards the door, he still had her hand in his so he refused to let go, "Ready for what?" he asked her.

She smiled at him impishly, "When you are ready, you'll know how to finish that sentence."

He couldn't understand, but he felt compelled to promise whatever she wanted.

The following week the Patakis left Hillwood.

He knew the end of her sentence. He had known for quite a while now. But what happened to her in California was something he did not expect. A lot of things did not turn out the way he expected. But looking back on that particular memory, he finally knows what he should do to get the old Helga back.

That's why he was there, he was holding the envelop in his hand. He felt it was the right thing to do, but he was also half-afraid that Helga would be lost, to everyone who loved her, forever. He walked slowly and stood before her. She did not tear her gaze away from the water.

He sat down and took her hand. He squeezed it tightly in his, but she did not react. His hand was shaking as he placed the letter in hers. That finally got a reaction. She looked at him. He looked deeply into her eyes, wordlessly telling her what he desperately wanted to voice out. With a final squeeze of her hand he stood up and walked away.

So there you have it. In the next chapter it will go back to Helga's POV. There will be quite a number of revelations, so please stay tuned. I thank you.


	7. The Letter

I hated you.

I hated the fact that she loved you first.

I hated that you met her first instead of me.

I remember the first time I told her I loved her. In her eyes were pure uncertainty. I knew she would reject me.

Instead she took my hand and squeezed it tight.We stood in front of each other saying nothing. I looked into her eyes and I knew she was fighting an internal battle. You and I were the topic of this inner struggle.

I knew she would smile at me and tell me that we were better off friends.

I fought the impulse to pull my hand away and just walk out on her. But her grip was tight. I stared at our linked hands. I felt utter desperation. Never had I wanted someone more than I wanted her. I fought the impulse to hold onto her tight and never let go.

I kept staring at our hands and felt that this was how it should be.

She was meant for me.

I wanted to erase your presence in her life.  
And replace it with mine.

When I finally looked up, tears were streaming down her cheeks.

With my free hand I took out my handkerchief and wiped her tears away.  
I told her I wanted to be with her so much, but not at the expense of her unhappiness.  
She smiled through her tears. She pulled me closer to her and whispered ever so softly. That she wasn't crying because she didn't want us to be together. She finally realized that she had to let you go, in order for us to work out.

Even then I hated you. For even after years of being away from you, you still seem to have a hold on her.

I told her not to let go. Just to move on, to live. I told her you will always be there for her. You will always be the boy who held the umbrella over her when her life seemed empty of meaning. You were the constant adviser when her path seemed unclear. But most of all you were the biggest inspiration, that helped her become the wonderful young woman she is today. Because of that you will never be gone.

She smiled at me. I knew then I had her heart.

We were fourteen then. Two years. That's how long we have been together. I love her more each and every day.

But today I was faced with a difficult task. I thought I would finally come face to face with my biggest rival for Helga's heart.

You were supposed to surprise her for her sixteenth birthday. Phoebe told me not to tell Helga about your surprise.

I wondered then if Phoebe even knew that I was with Helga. And if she did, then what the hell was she thinking! I wondered if you knew that Helga had a boyfriend. I wondered if, once she saw you, she would just fall into your arms, and leave me behind. I wondered if you finally knew the end of the sentence of your promise to her.

Early this morning, as I was watching her sleep, I knew all my insecurities about our relationship would be exposed upon your arrival.

The surprise would cause her to react naturally, with no chance to put a mask on to protect me. So I told her. I didn't exactly know how I wanted her to react.

She was quiet for awhile. Then she shrugged as though the appearance of her old obsession did not bother her the least.

We proceeded with the preparation for the big bash her parents set up for her.  
All throughout the party I kept watching her. I saw her glancing at the door once in a while. Then towards Phoebe who would just shake her head.

When it was time for her birthday dance I took her into my arms.

She smiled up at me. A little too brightly, I thought. I saw her look at Phoebe again. This time Phoebe looked at her sadly and shook her head.

I knew then you were not going to show yourself. I looked into her eyes and saw a glimmer of disappointment. She put on her mask and pretended that everything was alright.

I felt myself go rigid. When the song ended I felt her stare on me. I refused to acknowledge it. I excused myself and left her on the dance floor.

I was fed up. All throughout our relationship I felt as though I was competingagainst you. I felt like it would never end.

I didn't even bother to say goodbye. I went to my car and just drove aimlessly.

I ended up at our special place. The beach where I first told her I loved her.

I looked out the ocean and wondered if my love for Helga would ever be enough.

It was three in the morning when I finally went home. I sneaked into the house quietly and went into my room.

And there she was. Sleeping on my bed. I looked at her. I love her so much.  
I sat down beside her and she stirred in her sleep. I laid down beside her. Her eyes fluttered open. She touched my cheek and told me she loved me. I couldn't look her in the eye. She sat up and started babbling about our plans for senior year. We were way ahead of our class. We talked about traveling around the world.

I couldn't understand why she was talking about our plans two years from now. Then she switched to the topic of which university we were going to attend. What our lives were going to be like.

When she stopped, she looked at me pointedly. I knew then that she had planned for our future.

OUR future. Just like that all my thoughts and insecurities flew out of the window.

I gave her gift number sixteen, she smiled at what I gave her and just laid down next to me.

I wrapped my arms around her and we stayed like that until the sun rose.

Everything that happened, happened yesterday. I love her, she loves me.

What I want to know is why you didn't come in.

I saw you there yesterday. You looked in as Helga and I were dancing. Is that the reason?

You saw her happy. You didn't want to come and ruin it. Is that why?

If so then thank you.

I want you to know, if ever you do get the courage to face her, and fulfill your promise, I will fight for her with all that I am.

But if I see her happy with you, I will return the gesture you made yesterday.

I will let her be happy.

Note: There you go. The letter that Matthew sent to Arnold before he died. Hope it was okay. I don't know when I'll be able to update, but I promise that I will. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	8. Solace

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Solace

I clutched the letter tightly in my hand. I looked out the water and felt as though the grip within my heart was released. I stood up from the dock and started walking. I knew nothing of where I was going. I was completely unaware of my surroundings, all I was aware of was the letter in my hand.

I found myself standing outside Sunset Arms, I was incapable of movement. I wanted to knock and ask for Arnold. I tried to lift my arms and do just that, but I couldn't. I was turning away when I heard the door open.

It was Arnold's grandfather. He looked the same as he did seven years ago. His brow furrowed as he looked at me. "Are you looking for Arnold?" he asked me. I merely nodded and followed him as he gestured for me to come in. "You look awfully familiar young lady. Do I know you from somewhere"

I found myself shaking my head at his question. Then I heard someone exclaim "Eleanor!" I was about to turn and look for where the sound came from when I saw Arnold bounding down from the stairs, a glum expression on his face as his gaze fell on the letter in my hand.

The next thing I knew I was somewhere else. **Alone. With Arnold**. I tried to take in my surroundings and vaguely recognized Arnold's room. He steered me towards his couch and sat me down. He took the chair from his desk and sat down opposite me.  
We sat there in silence.

He reached out for the letter in my hand, tentatively. I was still clutching the letter tightly. As soon as our hands came in contact I let go of the letter, I felt burned by his mere touch. I turned away from him. I tried to focus on the changes in his room. The room seemed smaller. But the skylight was still as magnificent as ever. The posters on his wall proved that he has grown up, it was filled with bands and movies. I felt like a total intruder for being there at all, ironic since I never felt like that before even when I was nine and I hid at behind the very couch I am sitting on just to protect my secret.

He cleared his throat to get my attention. When I gathered the courage to meet his eyes, I could tell I have managed to hurt him through my reaction towards his touch, but I could also tell he was overlooking my transgression. He was still holding the letter in his hand, as though it was the most precious thing in the world. I could feel his mental urging. He wanted me to talk to him. He used to be able to push me in the right direction in the old days. I could tell he was trying to save me just as he used to all those years ago. My heart felt so heavy all of a sudden. I could feel the urge to cry overcome me. The letter and the sympathetic expression on Arnold's face was my undoing. I raised my hand to the corner of my eye and felt the one thing I was missing a year ago, I felt my tears forming. I saw a drop fall into my lap. It finally came. The emotional breakdown that I was supposed to have upon learning that Matthew was dead. And it was happening before the very eyes of Arnold, my first love, my first obsession.

I felt so broken. The tears kept pouring. I was half-amazed at what was happening. But eventually I accepted the flow of all the emotions I kept bottled up for the last year. I recall Arnold moving beside me and cradling me in his arms. I remember whimpering incoherently about Matthew. I remember saying over and over "I love him so much, it hurts." I can't remember anything else.

My eyes refused to open. I had to try several times before managing to do so. And when I finally did they hurt like hell. As if I had been crying all night. I looked around me and realized I wasn't at the Hyerdahl's guest room. Everything made sense when I looked up towards the ceiling, from the bed I was occupying. I saw the skylight and I remembered all that happened last night.  
Arnold comforted me as I finally broke down. I must have been crying all night. He must have carried me to his bed when I finally calmed down and slept. I also realized that I did not have Matthew in my dreams. I felt sadness overcome me once again. When will it stop hurting? It was as if my emotional breakdown still did not fill the emptiness in my heart, in my soul.

My internal anguish was interrupted when I felt like someone was staring at me. When I turned to look to confirm that Arnold was indeed looking at me, I saw him looking at something else. He was staring at the locket I have always hidden underneath my clothes, sometime during the night it must have slipped out and it now lay haphazardly on the bed, still around my neck. I could tell he was wondering whose photograph was in it. Our gazes met and I found myself staring into his blue eyes, something I haven't done since I was ten.

He looked away first. He wasn't about to force me into talking, I could tell. He was watching his steps lest I shutdown again.  
I took off my locket and held it out to him.

"When I turned sixteen he gave me this. He mentioned in his letter to you, this particular gift." Silence reigned. He nodded in encouragement. " Gift number sixteen. His most special gift to me. I lost my locket the year before, the very same locket I kept your picture in. That locket was my source of strength. Every time life seemed unbearable, I held onto the locket and the memories. It started as a way of clinging on all that you symbolized, especially when you were so far away. But it evolved into my solace. It eventually stopped being about you and just about the locket. He knew that, but somehow he was still jealous of you. So he gave me that"  
Arnold opened the locket and I knew he saw a photograph of Matthew. He remained expressionless. He looked at me again.

"He gave me that locket, and that made it special enough. But he was not just special, he was extraordinary." as I said those words Arnold gave me a puzzled look. I stood from the bed and walked over to the chair where he obviously slept in last night. I took the locket from him. I showed him the engraving in front of the locket, "when life seem hopeless, hold onto this…hold on to us" Then I opened the locket and showed him the secret it held. Matthew had the jeweler build another opening, behind his own photograph. And there it was, a picture of Arnold, with another engraving "just a back up, in case my strength is not enough. "

Arnold was quiet. I found myself tearing up once again. Tears were streaming down my face. I lowered my head and tried to hide my grief from him. I felt him take my hand in his and squeeze it tightly. I looked up at him gratefully.  
"Let me be your strength, just as he intended me to be." he murmured. He wiped away my tears with his free hand. He let me cry in his arms again.

For the next few days Arnold became my constant confidante and companion. He was constantly on my side, ready to be the shoulder I could cry on. I found myself crying over the simplest things. I was finally relieved to have someone I could truly open up to. I rarely spent any time at Phoebe's house. Most of the time Arnold and I stayed at his place. I told Arnold everything about my relationship with Matthew. By the third day he knew every detail of my three year relationship with Matthew, but I haven't told him how Matthew died.

I was finally on my path to healing. But I did not realize that somehow I was neglecting someone in my life. I still talked to my parents everyday. I could tell they are both relieved whenever I call them. I think they detected a change in my voice. I could tell by the way they talked to me that they knew sending me to Hillwood helped me find myself again. I also talked to Nicole and her entire family from time to time. They seem to get along fine. They told me they missed me and I say the same to them. Yesterday, Nicole asked me when I was coming home. I told her soon, but I know there were some things that I still need to do here.

I look at my reflection. I see myself. My face lost its gloomy expression. I found smiling and laughing easier to do these days. I smile at my reflection, the girl I saw smile back, a natural smile, no force required. I directed my gaze at the photograph on the mirror, the same picture that started it all, the one that Rhonda saw and made a comment on. I traced Matthew's figure with my forefinger and smiled. We looked happy together. His arms were wrapped tight around me. I close my eyes and for a moment I felt his presence beside me.

The doorbell stopped my reverie. I knew it was Arnold. We agreed earlier to go for a walk at the park. I checked my appearance again and started for downstairs.

I knew Phoebe let him in, they were talking in hushed whispers. I tiptoed down the last steps.

"So where are you guys going tonight?" I heard Phoebe ask.

"Just for a walk." Arnold answered

"Oh. Okay, take care then." I could tell that Phoebe was about to walk away.

"Would you just tell me what I did instead of giving my the cold shoulder all the time." he seemed impatient as he said this.

I was unaware that there was something amiss between Arnold and Phoebe, then again the last couple of days had been focused solely on Matthew.

"And don't you deny that you haven't been giving me the silent treatment. You can barely look at me, let alone talk to me"

"What do you want me to say Arnold? That I'm jealous of you. That I am so mad that out of all the people she chose you to confide in. That after an entire year of worrying over Helga, she chose someone else. Well, I am. Mad! Angry! Jealous! I knew Matthew. I knew how they were together. I knew how much she hurt when he died. Hell! I knew every tiny detail about Helga. Her unhealthy obsession with you back in fourth grade. Her reaction when Matthew first told her he loved her. I knew everything. Even when she was back in LA and refused to succumb to her grief. I knew it was all because she was trying to be strong for everyone else. Then I invite her here, in hopes that she will finally let it all out, to her BEST FRIEND. I have been the one constant in her life, before you and after you, before Matthew and after Matthew. And where were you? For the last seven years that she's been gone you never really asked about her. That's why you didn't even know about Matthew. And then I ask you if you wanted to go to her sixteenth birthday as a surprise and you did not even have the courage to go in. Then she comes here and all you can do is make goo goo eyes at her. Then you decide that you want her. Is that why you are doing this? So she can end up in your arms? Tell me Arnold, are you in love with her? Are you using her pain as a means to get to her heart"

I was unable to move as I listened to Phoebe's tirade. I immediately felt bad for the way I have been treating her. She was right in saying that she has been the one constant person in my life. I did not know that by being released from the grief that Matthew's death caused me, I would end up hurting my best friend.

"You have a right to be jealous Phoebe." he responded quietly. A heavy silenced followed. I wondered if I should just go in and stop their confrontation. But I knew that they have to settle this otherwise it would be a constant issue between the two of them.

"You are right that you have been the faithful best friend. You have every right to be jealous. But have you ever wondered that maybe you are entirely too close. To everything. Just as you said, you know every detail. Maybe because of that Helga can't confide in you. Because she will have to stay strong. You knew Matthew. She needed someone who didn't, someone she could talk to without having to feel sorry for causing further pain for that person. I think Helga knows that if she talked to you about him, you will feel your pain and hers as well. She did not want to burden you with both. I can give her that. I can absorb her pain because I have no attachments towards him. I have always cared for Helga and I always will. I just want to provide her solace, because that is what she desperately needs. I want her painful grieving to take its natural course. And I am sorry if in your eyes I did not seem to care enough for her, that my lack of interest in her for the last few years diminishes your idea of caring. But the truth is not a day went by for that last seven years that I did not think of her. I wonder about my promise, I wonder about her promise. I couldn't ask you about her because I knew I did not need to. Because if something bad ever happened to her I know you would share it with me. Because you know as well as I do"

I tiptoed back up the stairs. I did not feel the need to know what was said next. I went back to the room and sat on the bed. I could see my hands shaking. He was right. About everything. Everyone I know in LA was too close, they had their share of painful memories to deal with, I did not want to cause them further grief. But he was wrong about him not having any attachments to Matthew. The letter was proof of that.

I try to calm myself. I did not want to have to deal with Arnold's feelings for me, not when I am barely managing to deal with my feelings for Matthew.

When I felt composed enough to go back down I stood up. I entered the living room and was welcomed with the sight of Phoebe and Arnold hugging each other. I smiled and I knew then that they have resolved their issues with each other.

I coughed noisily and the two broke apart.

"Should I call Gerald and tell him to get his butt here right this instant?" The two grinned at me and Phoebe shook her head. Arnold walked towards me and asked me if I was ready to go. I nodded and he helped me into my jacket and bade goodbye to Phoebe as we went on our way.

The walk was pleasant if not a little quiet. I knew Arnold was still mulling over what went on between him and Phoebe. I was reluctant to break his concentration. But he beat me to it.

"How much did you hear"

I gave him a wry smile. It was so typical of him, the way he can easily read me.

"Not much. Enough I suppose." I replied He shook his head at my answer. We kept walking. We were almost at the park.

"I was just wondering, why you did not tell me you were having trouble with Phoebe?" "I guess I was trying to put off the inevitable. I knew the moment that I handed you that letter, I would put myself in this situation. And I guess I liked the idea of providing comfort to the great Helga Pataki. I didn't tell you that Phoebe was mad at me because I felt guilty for depriving her the chance to be the shoulder you could cry on. But I can't help wanting to be the one to give you that." I nodded at his answer. We were finally at the park. We walked a few more steps and stopped at what has become our bench. I sat down and looked at my hands. I felt him sit down beside me. When I finally directed my gaze at him he looking at the sky.

I followed his example and did the same. The stars were shining brightly. I felt a sense of peace as I ponder the idea that Matthew could very well be looking down at us. I felt giddy all of a sudden. I looked at Arnold again and I laughed. He gave me a questioning look. I boldly took his hand and gripped it tight. The darkness could not hide the blush on his cheeks when I did this. I smiled more brightly. He was staring at me intently.

"I'm going home Arnold." the words came out of my mouth, I was surprised at what I said.

He looked bewildered as he heard this. "But why"

It was then everything became clear to me. And I knew I had to make Arnold understand.

"There is something that I need to do there."

"What else do you need to do? You're finally grieving. Finally living again. What could you possibly need from LA? Are you going back to being strong for everybody else? You're doing just fine here Helga. Why can't you just stay here?" he gripped my hand tightly as he asked question after question.

I sighed and uttered "Matthew"

Arnold dropped my hand as he heard my answer. He looked away from me. I moved closer towards him and reached out my hand to his cheek. I gingerly turned his face back towards me. His blue eyes looked cold and empty.

"Arnold, you have done so much for me. You helped me be me again. I haven't felt like life is worth living until you made me realize that it is." he was still unresponsive.

"I need to do this. I don't want to go back there and be strong for everyone else. I want to go back because I need something from them. I need his family to tell me that I was good for Matthew. I need his best friend to stop hating me for not crying at all. I need my parents to know that I will be alright. I need to go to Matthew's grave and truly face the fact that he is dead. I think I just need to be weak with them." There was still no response from him. I let go of him and turned my gaze back at the sky. I wanted Arnold to understand that there were a lot of things I failed to do when I was in LA. Things that I can finally do after he saved me.

"I understand"

I looked at him. He looked at me and took my hand. He nodded and repeated the words he uttered. He smiled at me and I found myself smiling back. We sat there for a long while.

We spent two more hours at the park. Arnold looked at his watch and suggested that we head back because it was already ten o clock. I merely nodded and stood up as well.

The walk back was as quiet as our walk before. But this time we were walking hand in hand. I looked at our linked hands and I knew I had to tell him something. The one thing I have been dying to tell him when I heard his argument with Phoebe.

"Hey Arnold"

"Yes, Helga"

I gave him a smile, for the conversation was so reminiscent of the conversations we used to have back in fourth grade, minus the name calling.

"I have to tell you something"

"Okay, Helga." just like he used to.

"I knew you were there." "I was where?" he stopped walking and brought me to a halt as well. "I knew you were at my sixteenth birthday party"

"You knew?" he was awestruck.

I started walking again. He did not follow until I was a few yards away from him. He had to jog to keep up with me. I could see Phoebe's house drawing nearer. When Arnold finally caught up with me he grabbed my elbow and pulled my to a stop.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he gazed into my eyes. I could tell he truly needed an answer to his question.

I shook my head at him, "don't you remember? Your promise to me before I moved away. When you're ready. When you went to the party I saw you peeking through the room. I was surprised to see you the say the least. But I guess you weren't ready then, that's why I didn't force you to come in, even if I did see you"

"I guess I always knew how to finish that sentence. But things change, right? And you and Matthew got together because of your promise to me. I made you promise that you will let others see the beautiful person that you are. Now when I look at you I can't even see the angry girl you used to be." he was silent as though it pained him to say everything.

I remained quiet and let him get it out of his chest.

"You know Helga, when I first saw you at that party you were so different, you were smiling and laughing. Matthew was right there beside you, his arm wrapped around your waist. I knew then you kept your promise. You finally showed someone who you really are. I felt so jealous, not to be the one who helped you become this wonderful person. That's what made me turn away. I realize that maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought"

"So when you came back here, you and Lila hooked up?" I tried to hide my smile as I said this.  
He gave me a frown as he nodded.

"That's really pathetic football head." he just shook his head as I reverted back to my fourth grade self. I reached up to him and caressed his cheek. "Hey Arnold, when will you realize that YOU are the reason why I became who I am today. You made me promise to more open to other people who come along in my life. Matthew was a beneficiary of that promise. I can never forget everything you did for me when we were younger, and I sure won't forget what you are doing for me now. I guess what I am trying to say is thank you." I stood on tiptoes and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

We started walking again, he reached for my hand and I let him hold it. He was swinging our hands as we walked along. We arrived in front of Phoebe's house. We kept standing there, staring at the door. I started for the door, but I got held back by Arnold's hand. He pulled me back and held me close to him.

He whispered to my ear, "When you're ready." He let go of me and smiled. I opened the door and I looked back at him. He smiled again and murmured a goodbye. I shut the door. I couldn't get his smile out of my mind.

Note: There you go. Sorry if it took so long. I sincerely hope that you enjoyed reading it.


	9. When You're ready II

Disclaimer: I own nothing

When You're Ready II

I sighed. I looked around the room that I have abandoned for the last three months. Nothing seemed to have changed at all. My dresser was still filled with photographs of Matthew and our friends.

I approached my bed and opened the suitcase that was lying there. I started unpacking my clothes and everything else I brought with me to Hillwood. My phone rang and on the line was Phoebe. Already checking if I got home okay. I laughingly told her I got home in one piece. A long silence followed. I knew what she was thinking. She was worried that once I got back here I would go back to being the sullen Helga. I told her that I would call her later and continued unpacking.

My carry on bag was the last thing that I started to empty out. I saw an unfamiliar envelop fall out. As I opened it I knew it was from Arnold. He must have slipped it into my bag when he hugged me goodbye. He didn't want me to leave, I could tell from all the looks he had been giving me since I told him my decision.

I unfolded the letter and recognized his familiar handwriting.

_Dear Helga,_

_I cannot tell you how hard it is to write this letter. Last night when you told me you were leaving, a constant thought kept running through my head. Don't let her go. I realize that it is not my decision and even if I don't want you to go back to the place where you knew so much pain, I realize that you need to go. Otherwise you will constantly subject yourself to emotional turmoil, just like what you have been doing for the last year. And I realize that I don't want that. Not for you.  
_

_The past three months that you have been here have been the best months of my life. Despite our slow start, I managed to get to know you. The real you, the you that you have previously reserved for your friends back there in LA. Our walk last night have been most illuminating. Last night I felt like you were ready to move on with your life. Until of course you said that you were going back. I can't tell then, but the truth is I feel a little hurt. Not because I want you to stay here but because I just want you.  
And that's the truth. You see Helga the moment you asked me to make the promise to you, I knew the end of that sentence. When I'm ready to fall in love with you. Well, I have been since that summer that you moved away. When you came to my house to say goodbye I knew I meant more to you than any other person in your life. Your confession was what brought me out of the fog. And I am hoping that mine will bring you out of yours.  
_

_Last night I was just about ready to tell you that I am in love with you. But I chickened out. Instead I am pouring my heart and soul into this piece of paper, something that you probably won't ever read unless I get the courage to actually give to you. But it's there nonetheless. I am in love with you Helga G. Pataki, and I have been for the last eight years of my life. It may not be as long as your devotion to me, but I am hoping it would be enough. When I saw you two years ago with Matthew I felt defeated. I could feel that you love him right then and there. And I questioned everything about you, about me, about us. I thought I imagined that one moment we had before you moved away. So I did something completely stupid. I went out with Lila. I felt nothing for her, she may have felt something for me. Looking back on it now I realize why I did it. Because you told me you were so jealous of her back in fourth grade. Going out with her made me think that I was hurting you the way you hurt me when I saw you with someone else. I know it seems cruel of me to involve someone like Lila into my misery. It took me a year to get out of that one. But when I did I knew that I was not kidding myself that I love you. Then you came back here. I felt hopeful. I thought that maybe it was our shot now. We can finally be together, the way we are supposed to. I did not know something as terrible as Matthew dying had to happen to bring you back to me. You still love him. His death just insured his immortality in your heart. When I saw him two years ago I imagined him fading away from your memory as I become your present and your future. I still feel that way. I wouldn't ask you to forget Matthew altogether. But I also don't want you to forget me. I want to be there for you, now and for always. I know how funny that sounds, after all we are just eighteen. Spending these three months with you confirmed my undying devotion for you.  
_

_I may not be able to compete with Matthew, and I won't even try. Because somehow, I know that you and I belong together. You knew it when we were three, I knew it when we were ten. Maybe then you stopped believing in it, but I hope that my belief compensated for the loss of yours. So hear me when I proclaim my love for you, **I AM HEAD OVER HEELS, ASS BACKWARDS IN LOVE WITH YOU, HELGA G. PATAKI**. And I meant what I said last night, when you are ready to fall in love with me, I will be there. I will wait for you, just as you have waited for me. And I can say with absolute certainty that I won't fall in love with anybody else._

_With love,  
Arnold _

I could feel my hand shaking as I put down Arnold's letter. How is it that the men in my life can change everything just by writing a letter?

Note: There you go. Hope you enjoyed reading this.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

AN: It's been a while since I last updated. I know this but I lost my muse for this fic. Anyway, this is the end of the line folks. I have finally comeup with the right stuff for my ending. I hope that you guys could enjoy it. I loved writing this chapter. So on with the story.

The weather was perfect.

Helga found herself walking towards a place she's avoided too long. She carried with her a bouquet of lilies. When she reached her destination she placed the flowers on the grass covered earth.

_Here Lies Matthew James _

_Beloved Son, Brother and Friend_

Helga sat down without care for her dress. She glossed her fingers over the words on the headstone. She sat there in the quiet for a long while, completely unaware of anything else other than what was right in front of her.

It has been six months since she returned from Hillwood, a changed woman. She returned to find most of the people she knew got on with their lives.

Mr. and Mrs. James were both happy and relieved when she first went to see them. As though they knew she was in a better place than when she left three months before. Nicole was behaving just like a typical teenager, dating and hanging out with friends and completely happy with her return.

Her parents lost the worry look from their faces. They smiled more openly and whispered less often. Helga found herself talking to them again, about the normal stuff.

Phoebe called constantly. Helga welcomed her calls and talked to her about everything again, like when they were nine again only better.

Arnold would send her an e-mail once and awhile. Not constant. And he never referred to the letter he gave to Helga at all. Helga followed his lead and did the same.

The rest of her senior year was filled with late nights and early mornings. She threw herself into the experience. Going to class and chatting with her friends, ditching school in favor of hanging around at the mall, volunteering in the decorating committee for school dances.

When she returned from Hillwood she was determined more than ever to live her life. And it seemed that everyone noticed the return of the old Helga. Offers for dates started to come in again, she had always been in the popular crowd. But she often turned them down, unless it involved a group date. Some of the guys who asked her out understood, after all Matthew was probably the most-liked guy in the entire school, some just told her to get over herself, Helga found herself laughing at those guys.

Once she had a heart to heart talk with Matthew's best friend, Jason. It was from him that Helga found out how she was like the first year that Matthew died. He described her as one who wallowed in her sorrow, while trying to fix everyone who was broken. Jason told her how he hated the fact that she seemed so strong. Helga gave him a sad smile and told him that she merely bottled them up and in the end it cost her, her heart.

And this is where everything led her to, in front of her first boyfriend, first real relationship.

She told Jason she was going here today, after two years of not coming. Helga did not exactly know what to do, Jason told her to try talking to Matt, Nicole suggested the same thing.

"Hey you, I miss you." She began. The breeze seemed to pick up and to Helga it was as if Matthew was greeting her too.

"I graduated today. I gave a speech. Dad said I made everyone cry. I really didn't mean to, I was just speaking from the heart, just as you taught me." She traced her fingers over the headstone; she can't seem to stop touching it.

"It was about how I became who I am today, but for the most part it was about you. You gave me so much of yourself. Sometimes I wonder if I ever gave you as much." Her voice broke as she uttered those words. She felt tears flowing down her cheek.

"I hope I did. I love you so much, it almost tore me apart. I think of a lot of what-ifs, what if you never got into that car, what if I went to the party with you, what if you didn't have to drive that girl home, you'd still be alive. It was because you were so nice! You had to be the one to drive Megan home, maybe if she hadn't gotten so drunk you wouldn't have gotten in the car and the die, all because someone else did not think to do the same thing." Helga was weeping and she felt unable to stop, the words she was saying were the words she did not dare utter to anyone else.

It was a while before she managed to pull herself together. She drew out a handkerchief from her purse and wiped her tears away.

"I love you. And I know I always will. I didn't want to blame you for dying, but a part of me did. And I hated that part of me. I tried to recover from everything, but I just can't seem to, until I went back…to Arnold. I know how much you liked him. But despite all of your feelings you always looked out for me. And you were right. I needed him, as my back-up. He helped me. For the first time in two years I felt like I could be again."

"I know there will be times that I would feel guilty for moving on, but being the saint that you are, I know you wouldn't want that. But I won't be able to help it. I just want you to know that I think I'm still in love with him. I don't think I can stop." Helga paused for a moment, she felt like she was on the verge of an epiphany.

"Don't doubt my love for you. I do love you. This isn't about letting go, as you said all those years ago, this is about moving on. I never did let go of him, just as I won't let go of you. But I will move on and I have this insane feeling that moving on would lead me back to him. I won't denigrate our love. But my love for Arnold is epic and somehow I think that's how it's supposed to be and I guess his love for me is epic as well. It would explain why he did a lot of the things he did for me." She continued.

Helga leaned closer to the headstone and placed the photograph of her sixteenth birthday. She was eighteen now. The picture seemed like a lifetime ago. She leaned even closer and placed a kiss by Matthew's name.

"I love you, always will." Helga stood as she said those words.

"This feels remarkably like a goodbye. But it's not. I'll come often, just to say hi and give you an update. But this feels like a new beginning for me Matt. I really feel like I can actually be myself again"

Helga started to walk away. When she was near her car she glanced back. In her head she could picture Matthew leaning against his gravestone, looking in her direction a sad smile on his face. It did feel like a goodbye, but at the same time there was niggling thought going through her head, that it should have happened a year ago. Helga can't help but smile to herself, for the thought in her head sounded a lot like Matthew.

She looked up to the sky and grinned. She felt ready to take on the world again.

Helga got into her car and drove.

She reached her house half an hour later. She parked on the street and got out. Her parents were throwing her a graduation party. They wanted to hold it in some fancy restaurant but she insisted that she wanted it to be a small party, it was then decided that they would hire a caterer for a party at home.

She got out of her car and proceeded to walk towards the door to their house. At the corner of her eye she saw a figure leaning against their orange tree. She felt her stiffen at first, when she directed her glance at the person she relaxed a bit.

"Hey." Was the lone greeting.

"Hey Arnold!" she replied a sincere smile on her face.

At her reaction Arnold seemed to relax himself. Helga had a feeling that he was nervous. She couldn't blame him, she was nervous as well; she could feel butterflies fluttering in her stomach.

He smiled at her as he walked towards her.

"How are you?" he asked when he reached her side.

"I'm okay."

"Party?" he asked as he looked at the door.

"Graduation"

"Ah…had one of those last week"

Helga merely smiled; both seemed stuck where they were.

Arnold all of a sudden offered her his arm, to escort her inside. Helga looked at him blankly as though she didn't know what he was doing.

"Ready?" he asked, waiting for her to take his arm.

To Helga his question was loaded with everything that went on with them. It was as if he was asking if she was ready for them, to become what they were destined to be, an epic romance. She looked into his eyes. Blue to blue clashed. In them she saw hesitation and uncertainty, as if he too was questioning their timing.

A relative calm settled over her. It was time for a new beginning and she felt it when she was with Matthew earlier. She took Arnold's arm and instinctively Arnold knew that everything was going to be fine.

"I'm ready Arnold." Helga finally replied as she looked him in the eye.

Arnold pulled her closer to him and together they entered the house.

AN2: There you go, and end to this story. Hope you liked it and BTW the epic line is not from me, but from Veronica Mars, that's how a relationship in that show was described. Epic. To me that word is enough to summarize the relationship of Helga and Arnold. Anyway, that's it for SOLACE.


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